fromflab2fab

It was a rough summer to say the least. I went to TX for 2 months to help my mother with some things, and wasnt able to exercise EVERY DAY like I do on my normal routine, and I wasnt consistent with my diet. I fluctuated between 175 and 166. Im @ 170 now. Im frustrated. I cant seem to get under 170 right now, and I wasnt able to get under 166 before. I just cant seem to force my body to do it. I am back to exercising every day, and my diet is much beter than it was. Its maddening to keep trying to break through this wall of weight. Then when I try to vent about it to the people around me dealing with weight struggles too, all I get it “Well, you should be happy to be 170.”. Why?? My 70 lb weight loss was not handed to me on a silver platter. I worked hard for this. Its not like it was a gift that I am just being ungrateful for. I feel like Im entitled to want to finish my journey. I have been around 170 for around 6 mos. Im ready to go further now. Im ready to finally finish what I started. Im sick of pushing myself and pushing my body, and getting no results now. I dont know what to do to push past this plateu or whatever it is, and its disheartening to be surrounded by people who are allowed to complain and self hate about themselves, but any time I try to vent about not being able to reach my goal, Im seen as an ingrate, or unworthy to complain. What gives??  Im still over-weight, and I still struggle with it just like them.

I wrote to you a few days ago, asking you why you were ignoring me. Im glad we are on speaking terms again. Im glad you are being nice again. You had me frustrated. I held strong to my diet and workout, because Id rather have you ignore me than be mean to me. Consistency has paid off, I am happy to say. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You keep being nice, and I will too.  

 My step son is having marrital problems, and has been here almost every day, all day long til late at night. On weekends he has his 1 year old here with him. I love them so much, but I cant help but be a little frustrated at times, because its really disrupting my exercise and eating routines. Then I feel guilty for being frustrated over it. Im having to either exercise really late at night, or really early in the morning. IM TIRED!! I refuse to skip workouts though. I do not want to gain weight and go through the long, hard process of losing it again. I REFUSE!! Ive come too far. On top of all this, I still have really bad days where Im consumed with grief over the loss of my grandmother and father. Im not in a good place right now. My husband isnt showing me any support, not that he ever has. I am always last on his list it seems.  Our anniversary is this week, and I told him to take his son out instead. I JUST WANT A BREAK!!! Get this: I was trying to vent to hub about my frustration, and he had the nerve to tell me that my workouts were not important, and that I should either stop working out, or just workout infront of his son. I am so angry at him. I think its BS. How dare he! I asked him if he really wanted me to gain back all the weight, and he acted like he couldnt care less. Jerk! I know he’s so full of it. Im so angry at him. I have been wearing myself out trying to take care of everyone, and myself. I wish I could just leave for a while. Go to Texas and stay with my Mom for a month. If it was summer vacation I would be posting this from there. IM SO ANGRY!!! In all I have lost over 50 lbs. I have more energy, and I look better. I can keep up with my kids now. I think my children are proud of me. Why cant he be? Why do I even care? What an @ss!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Why are you ignoring me? I have been putting myself through grueling workouts. I have been eating well. I even manage to get in two workouts most days. Whats your problem? Im ready to throw you out. Im sick of really, really kicking my own butt during the workouts, and seeing nothing from you. I dont know what else I can do to get you moving. You make me want to pull out all my hair and scream. WAKE UP!!! GET MOVING!! I seriously dont know what your malfunction is. I think I shall ignore you for a week or two. Right now you arent my friend, and Im tired of looking at you.

                                                                                                                                              Christy

Okay, so last year was a REALLY traumatic year. Thank God its over. Got through the holidays continuing to exercise every single day as always. My diet was less than stellar. Surprise, surprise, by the grace and both hands of God, I didnt gain any weight. Im happy about that. Now Im back to trying to get the rest of this weight off. I’ll be happy with 40 more pounds gone, but Im hoping to burn off more like 50 or 60. Id like to know what its like to live in a thin body that isnt hindered by fat. Im ready. So I have kicked up my workouts. Im out of my comfort zone. Im challenging myself. It hurts! Im sore in allot of places. Im back on track with my eating, which as you know, is a struggle at times, but Im trying my best to stay on track. I do hope you all are having a good year so far. I hope you accomplish and maintain you’re goals for better health. Good luck.

Its been such a bad year. I lost my precious grandmother on March 15th, and I lost my lovable father on November 6. Two tremendous losses. Both from cancer. Not to mention my husband being laid off for two months in between. Im mourning. These losses were fierce blows. Im struggling. I feel lost and broken. Ive lost my faith. Allot of things seem absurdly pointless. The holidays being one of those things. I just dont feel like dealing with any of it. My eating is out of control. I am exercising like crazy, because its a distraction. I have taken up walking with bursts of short distance jogging. I am exercising 3 times a day. The physical exertion and discomfort is easier to digest than the mental pain. Im using it as a crutch. Whats really sad is that when I went to the memorial, and all those family members saw me, they all commented on my weightloss. It angered me. I painted on a smile, and adopted a false (yet short) appreciation for their appraisal. In truth though, not a one of them acknowledged the fact that I lost my father. My weight loss completely overshadowed the greater, traumatic loss I was suffering. It was yet another thing that was pointless to me. “Who cares what I look like? MY DAD JUST DIED!!! What is wrong with you people?”, was what I wanted to scream. I didnt talk much to anyone. I hid in my husbands shadow, and flitted from conversation to conversation with not much eye contact. I understand that they were making an observation and paying me compliments, but it annoyed me just the same.    

Tried to blog a few days ago, and it didnt post or save. Dont know what that was about, so here goes another attempt. Ive been having health issues lately, but have maintained my everyday exercise routine. Im proud of that. Regardless if I want to exercise or not, I DO IT! Ive been really stressed about financial issues, and family issues. Dad has stage 4 cancer, and obviously its upsetting. I still cry for my grandmother, who I lost at the beginning of the year. Most people want to be surrounded by objects of the lost loved one. I suprisingly found myself needing just the opposite. I find it even to this day completely heart wrenching to see a picture, or a letter that she wrote me or the kids. I lost it the other day when I went to dial a number on my home phone (which isnt used often), and as I went through the speed dial list, her name and number were in the list. IT WAS COMPLETE MELT DOWN MODE!! I had meant to delete it, but I just couldnt bring myself to right after her death. It hurt too much. I thought Id do it later after I had accepted her passing. I forgot about it. It was LIKE TAKING A BULLET when I saw it in my phone. The truth is nothing about her death was what I expected other than the devistation that consumed me. I knew it would be massive, and I was right. There was so much that I didnt expect though. With my dad, I am trying to prepare myself and my son (who I predict will take it very hard). Im angry. I feel defeated. I am surrounded by inlaws that are complete haters. They live super close, where as all my family live no less than 9 hours away. They are hateful people. I am angry because Im losing people that love me, and being left with people that are haters. Its selfish, I know it is. Im scared. It sucks! Enough of my personal problems and onto the subject of discussion. I am changing my eating again. I was doing low carb, and whileI have lost a considerable amount of weight on low carb, and I still love to praise its effectiveness, I want something I can live with. A lifestyle change! So, Im going back to low fat. I did low fat in highschool, and I lost 30 lbs before I started eating junk again and stopped exercising. Story of a yo-yo’s life, right? So here goes again. ITS ON!!! 

Okay, so its been a while since I blogged. Allot has been keeping me from being able to get online. Hub is working again, THANK GOD!! The step sons have been visiting allot lately. It was frustrating for a while. We were expected to feed our visitors, and HELLO?? NO MONEY COMING IN!! That sucked! Now we are playing catch up. Im at my parents home, 650 miles from home. Its kind of fun, although Im homesick. We found out my Dad has stage 4 cancer, and since we dont know what next summer holds in store, Mom thought I should come down with the kids for a month. Im not staying a month. I am doing 2 weeks. I have way too much to take care of at home. AH, the joys of being an adult. Right? Anywho, I was really worried about coming here. My family is the epitomy of unhealthy eating! However, I have held strong and firm to my diet, and my parents live in an apt complex that has a gym, and a pool. I am exercising at the gym every night, and going to the pool whenever the kids want to go, which is frequent. Im very proud that I have kept on track with my eating. When my parents grab fast food, I dont. I eat edamame, or a salad. Im so proud. I went to a grocery store the other day and they had one of those “accurate” scales that you pay a quarter for your weight reading, and since my at home scale is old, I wanted to know just if my at home scale was accurate. Last time I weighted at home it said 190. The store weight scale read 185.6. Its not a great number, but you know what? Im happy with it. It has been and could be higher. I’ll take 185.6 with a smile.

are very good coping tools if I do say so myself. I’ve been kind of a wreck these last few weeks. My husband is soon to be unemployed, and regardless of the amazing resume’ I authored for him, our phones arent ringing. The grief, and mourning for my grandmother have become a bit more managable. Im still exercising with a vengence. My eating has been less than impressive, but I am actively working on that. I have good days, then not so good days. A few weeks ago the hub got me a mini trampoline, and some new hand weights that I wanted. Ive been jogging on the trampoline. Its a good stress reliever, and after my 30-60 minute sessions, I feel like Ive had a really solid workout. I use the weights when I do my weight videos.  I saw several people recently who havent seen me in a year or 2, and they were impressed by my weight loss. It made me feel self conscious, but I guess Id rather them be impressed with my weight loss than a weight gain. Right?? Im still not feeling confident enough to brave the scale again, since my eating has been unsatisfactory, but I will before too long. Thanks to those who showed care and concern when I lost my grandma. It meant allot.

Things are just falling apart around me. Its such a bad, bad time. My grandma who is one of the infinite, unconditional loves of my life died last night. She had been feeling badly and went to the ER, and much to all of our shock, ended up basically crawling into her death bed. Hub and I loaded the car up and went to TX to see her for what I knew would more than likely be for the last time. Im devistated. Completely heartbroken. Then, on our trip back home so that hub wouldnt risk his job, we got a call from hubs coworkers telling him as of May 5th they are all unemployed. The company is closing. Im just completely leveled. Im a heap of a human. About the only consistent routine I have been trying to hold on to is exercise. It doesnt make me feel any better at all, but it keeps me occupied for 30 minutes to an hour a day. Its amazing to me how bad things seem to come in a domino effect. They all start falling on you at the same time. My grandma always said at times like this, “When it rains it pours.”.